Sunday, 27 November 2011

Sayonara, Mamma Mia

It's been a while. I'm not sure why I decided to write a blog post tonight. It may be because I have absolutely nothing to do. It may be to console myself after having to teach myself a proportion of physics which has been "taught" to us by one of the least talented teachers I have ever had the pleasure of "teaching" me. She is the kind that asks us, "Is this right?". However this is not in the sense that most teachers would pose this question - a question to test our understanding. On the contrary, it is because she doubts herself and needs the reassurance and correction of a bunch of students who have not even been taught the aforesaid material. Either way, bitching aside, it may also be because I love the feeling and sound of typing a large amount of text for little to no reason at all other than hearing and feeling these sounds and feels, exhibited by the length and pointless nature of this sentence. Before I embarrass myself further, I may have to come up with some subject matter for this blog post, other than the classic, "Complaining about school" format. Give me a second...

Hmm, after much deliberation I have decided to base this post, or at least this paragraph, on my job. This has been discussed on many an occasion on this blog, much to the anger of my girlfriend. Oh well, I try not to be too critical of it, I promise its just my sense of humour. Anyway, disclaimer aside, we can let the story begin: A couple of days ago I received a text from my "boss" of sorts, asking me if I wanted to come in on Sunday at 11 O'clock. This text was on Thursday night, an annoying day to hear of such news. It is late enough in the week for you to start dreaming that maybe you will not be needed to work this weekend, only to have these dreams come crumbling down, in a bitter stream of disappointment, setting a melancholy tone for Saturday night. Maybe that was a slightly dramatised reaction.

You may say, "Colm, you crazy mother f*cker, why would you not want to work? You get money, a 50% contribution to your philosophy: 'F*ck bitches, get money'". Well, it is simply that the fiscal motive is there, as obviously I do want money, however it is not prominent enough for me to actively want to work. I should probably stop complaining now and get back to the story.

So I came into work this morning, expecting a standard 4-hour research session into the effects of the monotonous sale of duck food to tourists, interrupted only by the speedy consumption of a traditional greasy spoon meal. However, to my distress I was met in the "Staff Only" doorway with one of the slightly less able workers trying to tell me that none of the other part time workers were coming in today and that I was probably not meant to be here, as "the weather is no good". To cut a long story short (or, shorter, at any rate) I called my "boss" of sorts, only to hear that I was no longer needed and was to take £20 and leave. I happily complied.

It would seem my Mamma Mia days are over. Closed, is this chapter of my life. And now I have one less thing to complain about on this blog. Looks like I may have to come up with something interesting to write about. Sucks to be me. If you have got this far, I commend you, thank you for putting up with my writing and pointless rambling.

You may be thinking; What is the point of this post? What bombshell is the masterful wordsmith Colm about to drop?

However I must now add insult to injury and say that I did not actually come up with anything to write about today. I merely wrote for something to do and to feel the feel and hear the sound of pointless writing in large quanitites.


- Colm

P.S. The joke is, that Sayonara means goodbye in Japanese, and is also the brand of Ice Cream that is used in the Mamma Mia café. (Its Italian apparently)
I know, Im bloody hilarious.

Monday, 10 October 2011

Moar Photos, but with words - Reading Edition

Looks like Im being a lazy bastard again, so no text again. Count yourselves lucky!

Before you call me a hipster and quote the "Being a Dickhead's Cool" song, please remember that some of these photos were taking using a disposable camera, so the vintage effect is there for a reason, not because I have an 'app on my iPhone'...

Actually, screw it, Im going to write anyway. This is because aforementioned hipster-ey photos are on the PC adjacent to me, which I cant be arsed to go to at the moment, but at the same time, I feel too complacent staring at facebook and twitter and the likes, so I shall write instead.

Campsite + Sister + Gaijin Pose
The last month or so has brought with it great fortune. Most notably in the result area. I had been studying and preparing coursework for my GCSE exams since the end of 2009, including some intensive revision from March to the start of my exams, so I was very pleased that this amount of work had paid off. I managed to achieve 9.5 A* grades (the half being short course ICT - which I am so glad was an A*, because otherwise it would have actually been pointless, as my friends often professed) and one A! (damn you art!)

Then, myself and a few friends went off to Reading, to enjoy the music and spend the majority of my time trying not to fall over in mud, and rise above the supernovas of pain in my feet! I wont bore you with the details, but the music was amazing! You cant go wrong with Muse! You can, however, with the Strokes, who were probably the most dull headliner I've ever seen. I didnt hear a good word about them the whole time I was meandering about the site.

Campsite + Sister + Gaijin Pose + ... Toilets

My sister was lucky enough, also, to win a pair of guest tickets to the festival, with the hipster music magazine NME. So, we were able to camp in the lap of luxury, with amazing features, such as taps and portaloos! (Believe me, anything was a step up from the toilet at the 'commoner's' camping area - which was essentially a septic tank with seats attached to it; in which you had the wonderful ability of being able to view everyone's digested matter floating past)

I also, as you know from last post, travelled to Brighton with my lovely girlfriend ( were we spent the majority of the day lying on the beach, absorbing the mediocre heat of an English summer day, and browsed the many strange shops and delicious smelling bakeries! Omnomnom.

"Dave" looking suitably chinese
In other news, 6th form has started! I am quite pleased with my choices so far; Maths, Chemistry, Physics and Japanese. We have a new teacher for Japanese, our brilliant Sensei had to leave, unfortunately, in order to move to China. She was good, and seemed to have high expectations, although she does have very big shoes to fill! I seem to be coping with the workload so far, but it is only the first week! I trust I shall keep up, however. Good luck to all the other Year 12s starting this week!
Cein (not pictured - ball squeeze)

In other news, I must attent to my iTunes, in order to drown out the utter nonsense that is 'Big Brother' (which my family are, idiotically, watching), whose title is an absolute corruption of and disgraceful reference to the literary masterpiece that is 1984. Grrrr.

- Colm

Thursday, 1 September 2011


I accidentally over a month.

When I am not very tired I shall write about recent happenings, including the conclusion of the summer and reading, and today - a trip to Brighton! From which these photos are taken.

 Serious Photo 'n Ting

Oh Brighton People, You So Silly

Elise Tier Pun

Ho ho ho...

Kinda Creepy if you ask me

Intelligent Graffiti

Tuesday, 26 July 2011

Customer Service and Somewhat Silly Tourists

 Good afternoon everyone. It has been a little while since my last post, but not too much has happened. Work has been pretty boring and underpaid, as usual, especially last Sunday, which was one of the hottest days of the year. Combine this with the fact that I was working in a popular tourist destination selling "cold" drinks to the public, on a day where the majority of the population is off work or on holiday, it was a very busy day. There was never a moment where the cue for ice cream was not practically down the road, and when bemused tourists expected me to read their mind about what they wanted when they approached me and said, "Can I have an ice cream?". This happened three times. Another somewhat simple tourist even pointed at a sign which was on the exterior of the building and said, "Can I have... that!?". It didn't help that I was, of course, inside the building and couldn't see a thing.

Random Garden Shizzle
Other than that, a large group of Asian men came to the café, when I was, unfortunately, on food duty. After changing their order approximately six times they came to a conclusion; they had ordered in excess of £80 on food and drink... I know the café is expensive, but that much?! On top of this they asked me to put all of their drinks in a bag. So I happily placed all nine of them in an Asda low density polyethylene bag, only to see it collapse and send drinks bouncing - quite literally - all over the shop. My manager was not best pleased.

Although I wasn't particularly bothered that she wasn't pleased, as she doesn't strike me as one of the nicest people I've met, but I'm not going to fall into the trap of turning this blog into a bitching post about my place of employment.

Actually, just one before I leave. I like so be sincere with customers, which is more than some of the completely dead shop workers, and less than some of the stupidly over the top smiley workers too. However, I know that if I was a customer, I wouldn't want to be patronised by a forced smile that both the worker and I know isn't real. However, apparently this is the crux of their business, so when I was serving a customer with a serious demeanour of concentration I was immediately shouted at by the manager: "SMIIIILE!!!!". I don't know about you, but that is not something that fills me with joy when it is screamed at me from behind.

Either way, I guess it's better than no job at all... maybe.

- Colm

Tah Sun

Monday, 18 July 2011

Hagrid and Harry McVeigh

There are many ways that you can get a group of pesky youths and/or young ruffians to call you names, or even say "People like you should be sectioned", but my personal favourite is 'dressing up' (i.e. Being attacked by someone wielding a wig and an eye-liner) as Hagrid, especially in anticipation for seeing the last, most anticipated film of the series!

Why am I not sectioned? I do not know.
The film was good, and the ending was as cheesy as described in the book, be that a good thing or not.

Before then, other than sleep and eat, I went to a White Lies concert in the Kasbah in Coventry with some compadres of mine. We also happened to meet the band and have some (more) stuff signed. Standard.

Harry "Dish of the Day" McVeigh
(not pictured: raging erection [both parties])
Charles Cave - Bassist/Lyricist

Jack - Drums
(not trying to sound gay, but he looks much better without short hair, now he just looks like a pikey I pulled out of the streets)

Wednesday, 6 July 2011

Respect to the Man in the Ice Cream Van

Wow, once again it has been a very long time since my last post. As I am sure you are all wondering what has happened to me, I shall have to do a post. And because Im putting off learning some shorthand, but Ill come back to that later.

My exams are finally over, the end of week three brought me a lot of relief, not only was my worst week (six exams) over, art was finished, and I only had two piss easy exams left - Japanese Writing and ICT.

I realised my flat white looked suspiciously like a Yin-Yang, so I drew in the dots :D

Since then I have managed to get myself a job. And by "get myself a job", I mean, "got given a job". After a somewhat serious conversation, I was offered a job working at my girlfriend's family's chain, a group of shops selling ice cream and the likes to the citizens of Windsor, Runnymede and Eastbourne. The job itself isn't too difficult... in theory. However, it gets much harder when there is a large queue of tourists eagerly anticipating their overpriced cone's, and you having to remember their seemingly endless requests and flavour combinations, whilst having to put up with the simpletons who cant even choose what flavour they want, let alone what cone they want, or in what size, which seems to be about 90% of my customers. The other 10% being people that want directions, or people asking where the toilets are...

Speaking of size and cone, I fear that these two phrases will be forever ingrained in my brain: "and which cone would you like?" *indicates to selection of cones* and "Small, medium or large?". Despite these clear questions and indications, some people then have the audacity to choose a non-indicated cone, which always complicates things, especially for an ice cream retailing noob such as myself.

Also, who the f*ck buys Oysters? They're a pile of shit. Seriously. If you ever want to buy an ice cream, why would you get a shitty little cone that falls apart and seeps Mr. Whippy all over your hand, and has some soggy marshmellow at the bottom? WHY? Also, they're a massive bitch to make, so please - tell your friends, tell your family, tell your local parish priest; Boycott Oysters!

An Oyster. Who buys these? I'll tell you who; Twats. Twats buy these.

Currently I am on my days off, as I only work four days a week, usually Monday, Tuesday, then the weekend, where they are most busy. I am not looking forward to this weekend... if the weather is in any way good, or otherwise. I will probably be taking food orders too this week, as I have been commissioned the task of learning the food order short hand, which is slightly unneccesary, I dont see why the initials of the food isnt enough... for example, Jacket Potato and Tuna goes to -> JP + TUNA. See, if you're going to abbreviate jacket potato, why not tuna too? Surely JP + T would be better, seen as though it's shorthand? But hey, I dont make the shorthand... I just have to write it. Oh, and shout it too. I hate shouting. Mainly because I can't do it. Those of you who know me will know I have a somewhat quiet voice, I just cant control it! In fact, I dont understand how anyone can! Its your voice, coming from your mouth, which is situated right by your ears, so to me, at least, it sounds like my voice is always loud enough, although clearly it isnt. So, before saturday, not only do I need to learn shorthand and mentally prepare myself for lightspeed ice-cream-among-other-things serving, but I need to learn how to shout, God knows how I'll do that...

However, I do have a White Lies concert down in Coventry tomorrow, so I guess I'll get some practice there.

P.S. For all you uneducated buffoons out there, the title of this article is a Scooter quote, by the famous German poet H.P. Baxxter, aka Cein.
- Colm

Wednesday, 1 June 2011

Im Doing a Post! :O

I have surprised even myself now. Sorry it's been so long since I last wrote, I know you've all missed my almost poetic way with words, wonderfully crafted around the topics which you all care about dearly.

Since my last post many beautiful things have happened. For example, my mother just started singing "Riding Dirty". In other news....

ENGLISH IS OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Basically, my quality of life -among other things- has been on the rise since then, the only revision I have left now is to simply read a book and learn some uber interesting facts about Jesus, business and shit.

In even other news, which is compltely unrelated and old; I now own some kind of Star Wars collectible thingy thats in a frame and signed by Darth Vader :') Hopefully it'll be worth something in 10 years.

I happened to be watching TV earlier, which is a very rare occurance, and Starbucks was featured on it, as a global "superbrand" and how it behaved in such a manner. Personaly, I cant see why so many people like the place, there are many reasons for my hatrid towards them:
  1. Their coffee is very over priced!
  2. Their coffee tastes of shite.
  3. Their coffee is far weaker than most other coffee-houses and a double shot is required on almost all drinks for it to taste like anything other than a cup of milk
In fact, the only people that do buy their drinks there are the people who are for some reason seeking some kind of mocha/latte/frappuccino which is either a milk or cream based drink which has absolutely nothing to do with coffee in the first place! If by some unknown reason you do find yourself in a Starbucks with no where else to go, it may be better to just bite the bullet and have one of these atrocities; their espresso tastes of.... well, there are no words to be honest.

But thats enough ranting about Starbucks (Costa FTW); I dont want to annoy Hannan ( too much.

And finally;

Next week shallt be very busy for me. Its ridiculous. I have six exams in one week! I wouldnt mind if they were spread out two or three a week, but I will have three weeks with one exam, one week with two... and one with six. Seems quite poorly organised to me. But oh well, I shall have to deal with these silly examiners and their silly plots to drive me insane.

Either way, I have also been tweeted by the bassist (or something like that) from Pendulum, "El Hornet". It wasn't a particularly interesting tweet, but it was a step up from being tweeted by the elusive Wonga Man!

Aforementioned moderately exciting tweet.

Well, as the early morn has dawned, I'll give up on making this blog post any more susbtancial or sense making, thanks for reading, Ill try and post more regularly (after next dastardly week!)!

- Colm

Saturday, 14 May 2011

Two in a day. I'm going for a record here.
And no, that's not what she said.
Today has been a pretty fruitful day revision wise, over two hours of media text practice and two hours of poetry, or as some would call it, a close encounter with suicide/ being provoked to have thoughts of self immolation during the upcoming English exam. But oh well, as I've said, it will be worth it 100fold when I can enjoy never having to do English again, and can instead spend my time watching 50 cent films. Speaking of which, I may have some more quotes later on.

I would post some more cynical English tips but my brain has been melted, so maybe more tomorrow, when it has solidified a bit more.

On a slightly related note, I have decided to start Catch-22 today, one of the great 20th century classics. Although I'm not sure how it will actually go, I've only read four pages...

Rather stupidly, I left my charger behind when transporting the laptop which I usually post from, so this is Posted from my iPod, with sillily small 'buttons' for my fat fingers, so apologies for any spelling errors.

Is anyone watching the eurovision? It's recording at the moment and I plan on watching it soon, I hope there is a healthy dose of ridiculous European techno music. I think it ends at ten, the time I must flee from my domain of Facebook as to avoid the result! I haven't heard jedward or blue yet, both of which should ensue many lulz, there's nothing I enjoy more than watching talentless bellends make even more of a bellend of themselves infront of the whole of Europe.

But anyways, I'd better shut up now, I fear I'm boring you. This happens when I have nothing better to do with my Time, and my iPod is really beginning to piss me off, so before I defenestrate my Ipod, goodbye!

- Colm

Fool-proof English Ideas

When revising English, I cant help but notice that the same phrases seem to come up again and again, and the general theory seems to be, with English at least, throw enough shit, and some will stick.

Here are some of these phrases:

  • "The use of the [Insert any ridiculous adjective] imagery..."

e.g, Owen's use of macabre imagery places the reader in the shoes of the soldier, helping them to envision life on the front, evoking feelings of sympathy, and exposing them to the true horrors of war.

This point has been one which has caused a great deal of humour in the past two years, with an almost unanimous favourite being when our English teacher told us that when Romeo says, "God! Direct my sail" there is navigational imagery... sigh.
Although on my last day, whilst getting my shirt signed, I requested that she (our English teacher) wrote me a message on imagery, the resultant writing was;
"Everything, Colm, can be a type of imagery. 'It paints a picture in your head'"
  •   Enjambment increases narrative flow (when you have nothing left to say, this will always do)
e.g,  Nichol's use of enjambment increases the narrative flow of the poem, reflecting the flow of the ocean which he fondly remembers, showing the strength of his memory.

  •  ...which increases the scale and importance of the article. (I found myself writing this a worrying amount when doing the media texts.)
e.g, The opinion, ""We hope that the findings of our study will help people to think seriously", is presented - showing the scale of the issue, and adding a sense of urgency and importance to the article.

I'll post more as I think of them, and till then, have fun revising! ;D

- Colm

Friday, 6 May 2011

Some Rocks What are on top of Each Other

Arranged and taken to imitate a piece of, "Andy Goldsworthy's" which was combined with Geraint through the "Zigguraty" look, or something like that...
As exams draw closer, I cant help but be filled with a sense of calm. At this stage, I know I've revised and am in with a good chance of doing well for myself, but I really just want to get them out of the way! This brings me on to my next point, that the most anticipated day of my life is coming up (apart from maybe muse), a day where I will be filled with an inordinate joy, which will only be able to be expressed through the medium of rave raping David, or something to that effect. Either way, I don't think I will be able to keep quiet for the extra time people; when I finally leave the exam hall, after sitting all of my English exams! The most hated of all the compulsory subjects! The cancer rotting my brain, and corrupting my view on all book, films, and many other things, with its analytical nonsense! Finally, its reign of terror will be over! Until then comrades, stay strong, and continue marching to our goal of being able to approach a newspaper and think, "Damn, I bet there's a load of facts and opinions in those articles" then laugh in the face of it, as you do not need to know about them, nor their emotive devices, techniques and aims! You can think of all the shite poetry that will now breeze past you completely unnoticed, their life failures being realised as now that we no longer have to study them, there is no one to read them! Who even reads poetry anyways... in fact, who even writes poetry?! I will never understand. Either way, it will all be over soon, and we will be saved from the, "fire and blood and anguish" of A-Level english... or at least some of us will be.

Until this beautiful day I will rebel against the system by sharing with you some rather hilarious slaughterings of the English language, courtesy of 50 Cent, I would analyse them, but I really cant be arsed at the moment, maybe rap analysis will come in the summer... But anyways, here are but some of the many quotes my friends and I gathered from just a couple of hours of playing "Mr. Cent's" outstanding *ahem* video game, "50 Cent: Blood on the Sand":

  • "Step up pussies!"
  • "Yo Fifty, flank these fools!"
  • "Crazy bitches got RPGs up in there!"
  • "Piece of fucking shit!" (one of the more tasteful "taunts" of the game)
  • "I'm on the back seat fondlin' ya' bitch, Nigga!"
Thats all for now, thanks for reading my senseless rants and love of 50 Cent...

- Colm

Sunday, 1 May 2011

Trolling the Saatchi

Close up of aforementioned banana

Whilst considering how much of a fallacy art is today, I remembered going on a trip organised by the wonderful Connor O'Shea, to many museums, one of which was the Saatchi museum, which seemed to pumped up to the roof with utter bullshit. In an amazing ploy of revenge at the art system which had angered me so much, I decided that one of the installations was so ridiculous that no one would notice if I put a banana alongside it. So, I got one of the leaflets for the museum, opened it to the middle, and place a banana -which had been in my pocket, annoying me all day- on top of it.

Added to the arrangement

I then waited for a quiet moment, and in mock observation, subtly bent down to place the banana on the floor. No one noticed for the whole duration I was there, and loudly announcing, "I wonder what the significance of the banana is" got many inquisitive nods of agreement from the people looking at the piece, and a few photos from a crowd of oriental tourists.

Banana in the distance
Unfortunately, after the security guard took two circuits of the ground floor, he noticed the problem and removed it, but hey; it was good while it lasted... and to be honest I can't say I would notice the difference if there was a banana there, one of the installations even had a croissant hanging from a rope.

On a slightly unrelated note, one of the few good things I saw in that museum was simply a room full of oil. It took me a while to figure it out, and at first I thought it was just an empty room, that was twice as deep as the others, but I soon saw that it was a reflection of the roof, and the smell gave it away too. That and the sign saying it was a room full of oil...

- Colm

Thursday, 28 April 2011


It is a good feeling when you know your revision has payed off, and without wanting to bore you with my earthly concerns, I am pleased to announce that my english coursework has been moderated up, and I achieved my target grade in a past paper we recieved back today :D

We were also subjected to a somewhat awkward Japanese lesson, in which we were re united with a couple of members of Uminohoshi (stars of the sea) students, the school we stayed in whilst on our homestay in Japan. Despite being in their class, and without trying to sound racist, I could not recognise them at all, I hope they werent offended :o As if that wasnt enough we then had to go on to prepare some questions for them, which were embarrasingly basic seen as though we have been studying the language for coming up to four years... Then, further awkwardness was forced on us, as we then had to answer the Japanese girl's questions directed at us, which mean short answers and plenty of awkward silences, with intermittent laughter, caused by anything a Gaijin says.

Other than that, on a slightly more related note, I gave in my art coursework today, which better be an A or I will stab someone in the face with a pencil. I also got my exam book back, which apparently is quite good, and doesnt need much improvement, although they dont know the exact grade yet. However, much to my annoyance I was also told that my teacher didnt think my artist Karl Blossfeldt was quite appropriate, and that Andy Goldsworthy would be a better choice, meaning I have to go back and change my second artist study. Looks like I have to do another tedious "Mood, Form, Process" sheet... :o I was also told that I needed to increase the flow of the book, as it wasnt always crystal clear where I was going, which in hindsight was probably due to me printing off large batches of photos and jamming them in my book.
Tonight, I stayed in school to see the drama's that Mrs. Welsh's group had to offer, which were all very good. Cein of course was amazing ;D But there are far too many to list. Although his group was good, I must say that my personal favourite was the last group that performed, so well done to you, I found it surprisingly effective and profound :D *ahem*

Other than that, in actual news, does anyone care about the wedding tomorrow? I suppose it's good that there is a lot of tourism coming into the country, although supposedly the bank holidays lose more money than the tourism will make. I dont think I will be doing anything in particular, other than the usual revision and/or art :'( But there is an excuse for a party in the evening I suppose :D

Sorry I wrote so much, I havent done much in a while so I thought I would make up for it. Also, I dont have much else to do at quarter to eleven on a thursday night.

- Colm

Thursday, 21 April 2011

These were the first set of photos I made in the exam, after setting everything up and giving myself a paper cut....